Finding My Soul
Updated: Mar 7
When your entire life gets razed to the ground, you don't have much choice but to start over from scratch. (If you missed my previous blog where I talk about how my life blew up, you can check it out HERE.) I mean, the labels you identified with no longer exist. I had gotten so caught up in mine - wife, mother, businesswoman - I literally found myself adrift when they disappeared. Who was I now that I was none of those things? (Of course, I was still a mother, but having one at home and being an empty-nester are totally different.) People tried to be helpful. They asked me what I wanted to do, what dreams I had, but I struggled to remember. Part of it, I'm sure, was just the need to heal from so many stressors all at once, but part of it was because I had let others dictate who or what I was for so long, I lost touch with who I truly was.
I didn't realize it until then, just how much of my life I had compromised to other's ideas.
It happens so insidiously. You want to please your parents or your spouse or your boss. They don't like something and, so, you change it. At first you think, it's no big deal, and it's okay because it makes them happy. But, the more you do it, the more it becomes habit. And the more it becomes habit, the more you lose pieces of yourself in the process. For example, my first husband was a golfer. He lived and breathed the sport. He liked to dress for the course and wanted me to do the same. He bought me khakis and polo shirts. They began to replace my more eclectic wardrobe. Even at work, I was pushed to wear more conservative suits, rather than the more fashionable, but still work appropriate, attire I had been donning. Everywhere I turned, my fashion sense was called into question, until I started to believe it was wrong to dress the way I liked. I ended up wearing what others wanted, but I was always just a tad bit resentful about it.
And there was so much more, I had given up in the name of fitting in, feeling wanted, being loved!
Having everything stripped away allowed me to recognize how much of myself I had buried. Like scorched earth, I had no choice but to let things grow organically, and so, I began exploring. If something was interesting to me, I looked into it. I didn't censor myself based on someone else's feelings about it. Since I had always been drawn towards the spiritual, I began reading up on various religions. I went back to collecting crystals, and purchased oracle cards. I learned Tarot, studied herbalism and energy healing, and threw out every polo shirt I owned! I went back to college and got a degree in Forensics. And, the more I let myself follow my desires, the better my life became...
I began attracting people and experiences that fit with these new interests. This kicked off a desire to understand the Law of Attraction and so I explored it. That led to learning more about energy and manifestation. I started connecting more deeply with my intuition which opened me up to my unique gifts, some of which I had hidden away for years. (Those imaginary friends? Turns out I can sense energy from other planes and realms.) This time, instead of hiding them, I embraced them! And the funny thing is, when I did, it was like, a piece of the puzzle that had been missing, snapped into place. There was a sense of wholeness and peace I had not known in years!
Now, I pay attention when I start to feel anxious or resentful. I know it means I'm not following my intuition and I'm letting others influence me. (Learning my Human Design has been a big help in understanding why this can happen to me. I have open Head and Root Centers which means I'm susceptible to pressure from others. It also means I'm going against my nature.) These triggers let me know I've wandered off my soul-driven path and I need to make some adjustments.
You see, when you're out of alignment, you feel stressed, pressured, anxious.
Your body let's you know you're not being authentic. And I'll be honest, most women have this issue. It's because we've been taught to compromise our needs. We've learned to put others first. We get pressured to look and act in a particular way. All to the detriment of our physical, mental, and emotional health. It's why I'm so passionate about shaking women up and catalyzing them to embrace leading a soul-driven life! It truly is the key to feeling whole, empowered, and at peace.